And I wonder as I lay here, in this sleepless field of dreams..

HELLO!

Somehow you've stumbled upon my blog, scraping the ends of the internet for something interesting.

Instead you found this.
I hope I don't put you to sleep.


Stories of fiction and fact lie dormant in this digital journal. Anything labelled with fiction junction is just that: fiction.

STORIES

» fiction junction. [all stories are sorted by this tag]
» refraction.
» love's weight.
» Viktor's Girls. [an ongoing collection]


do you think of me when I think of you

» Rachel Waa.
» xkcd.
» questionable content.
» the awesomer.
» not always right.
» stumble upon.
» Lore Olympus.

as the nighttime slowly sings...?

» chih.
» kaylyn.
» kitty.
» j comeau of A Softer World.


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“if only you could see”
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I'll endure the night...
Dec 25, 2013 || 10:57 PM || comment?

It was wide field spread beneath the night sky. The lack of unnatural light made it possible to see all the shimmering stars in the sky above. Across the middle of the sky was the faint glow of the milky way, reaching out to either ends of the visible space. She trekked further out into the field, and he was close by. Reaching a stopping point, she tilted her head up and gazed above. She wrapped her arms around his and together they delighted in the night sky. The promise of a visible comet kept their attention, and soon it made itself known. The comet trailed by and began to spin around in nonsensical directions. She squeezed his arm tighter as they watched in awe. She didn't concern herself with where it came from or where it would go once it would leave. Just that it had been there at all left a smile on her face.

Dreams are always something of a wonder to me. Usually they are exciting- this one was...a little unsettling how based in reality it was. The night sky in Dequincy was littered with stars you'd never see within city limits, and there was supposed to be a visible comet but we didn't see it. And my company...not sure why it was him, but I woke up to a message from him. I always find that a little...strange? It's not often I dream of real people, but last night it happened and I'm not sure what it means...if it means anything. I guess that all depends on if you think dreams have deeper meanings than the chemicals and brain signals that give them life. Will we ever know?


Ears ring and teeth click and ears ring and teeth click...
Dec 23, 2013 || 12:19 AM || comment?

This was going to be a much longer post- but something terrible happened. I writing this on my phone and I pressed the home button thinking I could return to the app and finish where I left off.

Not true. It didn't save anything, and I'd been writing for a good ten minutes. At any rate I'll just continue where I left off.

As it turns out, I'm not as stoic as I thought I was or imagined myself to be. I feel...it is very easy for me to keep my issues to myself..and not let my bad thoughts or feelings bother people...but right now I kind of just want to cry or talk to someone. Actually I know exactly who I want to talk to. But it really isn't an option. I suppose in reality it is an option, I am just choosing not to make it available to myself.

...and if I did talk to you, what would I say?
Would it even be worth bringing up?
Would you care? Should I?
..the questions aren't making me feel very good, and the answers I am giving myself don't make me feel better.

One of the things I had written about before I lost it all to digital space was whether or not people think about my past interactions with them, they way I do sometimes. In the same vein, I wonder if you think of me as often as I think of you. And it's not an obsessive kind of thinking about you...but a kind of curious one. I guess I really just want to know if it actually meant anything to you. If it did, then my thoughts aren't wasted. If it didn't, I think this would be beneficial knowledge to stop thinking about you. I think it can be as simple as that.

But you know, maybe I am just kidding myself? That's also very likely....

It really shows that I'm not used to this kind of thing. Or anything really.

Also, it's getting cold again.


And when I can feel with my sun hands...
Dec 18, 2013 || 11:30 AM || comment?

Honestly, the best part about cleaning my room is being able to dance around and sing loudly with my music. Everything I do, I do while listening to music. Sleeping, showering, playing video games, putting on make-up.... a lot of times I stick with music that resonates my feelings at the current time, so I'll usually end up stuck listening to the same song or album on repeat, for days. And I love it!

And when I choose to start listening to a new album repeatedly, my next favorite thing is finding one or two songs that really stick out to me. Songs that make me wish that while I'm at work, I could pause the world, and just dance around and sing loudly. And I don't mean organized or well choreographed dance. I mean jumping on my bed, bouncing on my head to the beat, playing air guitar like the best of them... those songs make me extra happy.

What have I been listening to lately? I'm glad you asked. In no particular order of preference:

Franz Ferdinand - Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions (Dance-Punk)
Portugal. the Man - Evil Friends (Indie Rock)
Bat for Lashes - The Haunted Man (Indie/Alternative)
Atmosphere - When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold (Rap)
Silversun Pickups - Neck of the Woods (Indie Rock)


In case you need anything to listen to, I'd say take a listen to any of those albums and enjoy.

Also I'm not here just to promote music, I was just listening and really felt like dancing and sharing my thoughts! Not everything I write is over dramatic and filled with secret meanings.....right?

Regret in E flat Major.
Dec 17, 2013 || 8:10 PM || comment?

Organic composition,
Lifelong tradition,
Childlike rendition,
Of baseless complaints.

Mindless reposition,
Faultless conviction,
Irreversible ignition,
Of damning evidence.

He sat down slowly at the stool, the ivory keys laid out before him in untouched splendor. He inhaled deeply, stretched his fingers out, and slowly began to play. The sounds echoed out before him, in discordance with one another.

In another place, far away, or perhaps right next door, she heard the faint sounds of a piano being played. They struck a chord in her heart and soon the scene came alive before her. Words and actions against any rational thought came to be and despite any reason or silent protest, she let herself be played like the keys on the piano.

He continued to press on the keys, the weight of the ivory beneath his fingertips satisfying to the touch. A devious smile crept across his face as he continued to play, aware of the subtle crime he was committing.

Like glasses breaking into a million pieces, or water spilling out from the glass, she felt the grip of herself slip between the gaps between her fingers, and soon she was left alone in the darkness of her own mind, to figure out where she could gather the strength to put the pieces back together.

I don't want to pretend I could ever be your friend.
Dec 13, 2013 || 5:22 AM || comment?

I am ready to make 2014 the best year of my life. What can I hope to accomplish? What do I want to accomplish? There has been two sides to my coin for the last seven years of my life...it's a little scary to think about facing things on my own...but perhaps this is what needs to be in order to fully realize my greatest potential?

Things I want for 2014:

Glasses
An established savings
To maintain my 4.0 gpa
New friends and adventures
Continued adventures with friends
To do more things for self
Money for a car
Money for Kelly
ACL
To reach a goal weight
Strength train/weight lift
To look awesome in that dress I bought but haven't had the right opportunity to wear
Continue writing
Less soda/more water
Reduce the number of things I own
Make tennis a regular part of my schedule
Bike riding too
Pay that ticket
Reinstate my license
....

Many things come to mind,  these found words first. It's never too early to start in these kinds of things.  But it is nice to have a clean slate start,  or an easy to remember start date.

Stay warm.


Did it make you feel so clever?
Dec 12, 2013 || 9:50 AM || comment?

A short statement- I think I've finally come to understand something about myself.

I think I have a need to be needed or wanted.

Kinda scary. What would I do without people? What do they do without me? They keep on about their lives...and I'm sitting here hoping someone reaches out for me? I feel like it explains a lot of what I do, so maybe I'll just work on that for now.


Complaints
Dec 8, 2013 || 11:22 PM || comment?

I know it's stupid but- I feel like I can't remember what it feels like to not feel shitty. My ear fucking hurts, my throat hurts, I can barely open my mouth, I know this is all temporary but I also feel like it's never gonna go away. Medicine isn't working, home remedies aren't working. So what am I left with?

I wish I had someone to hold me...


I can't keep my head up.
Dec 7, 2013 || 11:24 PM || comment?

So...here I am. Laying in my bed. Music playing. Tears running down my face. Even though I've talked to people I still feel...unheard? Or maybe misunderstood? Or maybe I'm just really upset and the fact that I'm so upset is making me even more upset. Once I'm alone, all I really feel like doing is crying. No matter how much control I think I have over a situation......over myself...I am just so so wrong. I am not very well kept together right now. Why? Why why why...

My room is clean...for what? What's the point? I keep talking to people and maybe they aren't hearing me or maybe I'm not saying anything...or maybe I'm not talking to the right people. I think I just want to work a lot, not think about anything for a good while. I think too much.

To top off my stupid overemotional state, I have tonsillitis and my medicine makes me think I'm starting to feel better and then I don't. Crying of course is not gonna make THAT better, but it's the only thing I know how to do well... I'm really not even that good at math or science or singing or love or anything. There are better people for all of those things.

Yeah, this pretty much sucks. A lot. I'm sorry.

School is done pretty much for the rest of the year, I just have one final on Monday and then that's it for the rest of the year. So I can only fill my time with work and more work. I need to find a bunch of things to occupy my time. I've finally started setting up my room the way I want it to look, so I can definitely finish working on that. I really want to try to keep my room as tidy as possible and I really really need to get rid of a lot of excess. I think I am definitely better than I used to be but of course we can always improve upon ourselves can't we? I guess that's one facet of life- always improving the self.

This whole thing has been fairly...

Wordy?

I mean to say that I'm just writing what I think of as I think of it, just not true stream of consciousness style...that would probably be a bit strange. At any rate,  I do feel a little better having written some words. It's probably time for bed.

Thanks for reading.