I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“if only you could see”

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Mar 28, 2011 || 3:31 AM || comment?

you ever do something

something you probably could have done a while back but didn't and just never thought about it

and then you do that thing

and then it opens up the biggest fucking wound you've ever had

like it's bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and it won't stop

but it's not blood it's tears

an emotional wound

that was superficially covered

and it's like the more i learn

the more i wonder

who are you?

when were you ever honest with me?

why did i give five years of my life to you

i loved you

i really and truly love you

i still love you

fuck

why is that reading this shit makes me cry so much

why did i only just now find it

why didnt you ever say to me

why did you lie to me

for how long

FOR HOW LONG

GOD DAMMIT FOR HOW LONG

WHY BID YOU DO THIS TO ME

I WANTED TO MARRY YOU

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THE SAME THING

WHY DIDNT YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING AT ANY OF THE TIMES WE EVER TALKED ABOUT IT

GOD YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKHEAD

GOD DAMMIT WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKHEAD

FUCK YOU

goodbye?

Mar 24, 2011 || 2:30 PM || comment?

what do you do when a person you are friends with is not the same person you became friends with, the reasons why you became friends are no longer a part of that person?

i'm not really sure what to do. what i should do. i feel like i don't know that person anymore...i'm not sure i can even relate to them anymore...it makes me wonder if i even knew that person at all...

it hurts my head to think about these kinds of things. i thought i was done being depressed but it creeps up on me when it's least expected. or when it's quiet and i'm all alone and all i can do is look around and think about what isn't anymore.

hm.

ow.

Mar 13, 2011 || 5:32 AM || comment?

So. Today was a fun day! I didn't do much, to be honest.

We went to the mall for a short while then I stayed at home bored for a couple hours before joining a friend in an awesome bike ride around Lafayette!

But before I even left the apartment complex, this happened:

I know it's shitty quality, but basically, I fell off of my bike and scraped up my elbow and hands. Owwww. But, it's time to relax! I think I will shower then I will go to bed.

Good night :3

-heart-

Mar 11, 2011 || 7:54 PM || comment?

So, I got a new haircut! It's nice. It's kinda short? But I really like it. It's light. It's good for the soon to come sun, I hope! It needs to get warmer outside. Please, thank you.

something about the stars.

|| 5:13 AM || comment?

something i could do for hours, is lay down and look up at the stars.

there aren't very many opportunities down here, considering there are too many city lights preventing me from seeing the full night sky. but what i do see is something neat. stars that sparkle. they are like tiny specks, but they are from such a great distance. we can't possibly fathom how large they truly are.

i wouldn't mind going into outer space. there is something strangely romantic about this idea that i can't get out of my head.

i no longer feel depressed. i feel...strange. like something i can't place. something i can't understand. i wish i knew more people. it's really cold in my room. i miss having someone to hold me.

i wish i had a puppy. something that depended on me and looked to me for unconditional love.

bleargh. i'm not tired. i wish i was so could sleep and no longer think about things of the past. i think i'll play my puzzle game now.

good night.

six billion secrets

Mar 8, 2011 || 6:58 PM || comment?

sitting in my apartment, doing nothing of note.

i am slightly depressed that today was such a "bad weather" day, especially on mardi gras..... i didn't go outside (except for when i came home this morning) and i just had a normal, lazy, boring day....

i am thinking too much about things that might have been

and i have nothing to divert my thoughts to

i don't feel like reading

i want to pick up a hobby

something that takes time and devotion

i wish the sun were out so it could warm my skin and feel the breeze run through my hair

i want to ride my bike for extended periods of time and allow the endorphins to pleasure numb the pain

i should have taken a shower today but i didn't so i feel gross and i am sitting in yesterday's filth

i want to pet a cat

i wish the sun would come out to play

i would like to play games with my room mates

but we are all being lazy in our quiet ways

it's funny that i'm bothering with punctuation but not capitalization.. oh well!

maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

there is a design...

Mar 5, 2011 || 5:49 AM || comment?

Tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Love will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you, it will set you free, be more like the man you were made to be...There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see the beauty of love as it was made to be.

And I wonder, as I lay here, in this senseless field of dreams, do you think of me when I think of you, as the nighttime slowly sings?

Things I am having trouble adjusting to:

being single
not sharing the air with you
not kissing you
not holding hands
not sleeping next to you
sleeping alone
not saying I love you
not calling you babe
not running my fingers through your hair
not showering with you
not seeing you still asleep when i wake up
seeing you sleep on the couch
the fact that i probably won't get to marry you
changing my entire life
my "empty" room
being called Rachel
calling you Adam
not getting to hug you whenever I want
talking about "Goku"
the fact that it seems as though you have so easily dropped these habits
crying every night before i sleep because i am alone
not holding you at night
not hearing you snore
not hearing your heavy breathing that lets me know you are sound asleep
the desire to place my hand on your leg as you drive or as i drive
these fucking thoughts of what i should do now

what should i do now?

i thought we were going to marry each other...

could i have prevented this?

why did you never tell me?

why couldn't i communicate with you properly..

these past five years have been amazing...

everything about them was positive...

even our fights..

even the breakup..

we are "friends"

i don't want to be "friends". i want to be "girlfriend"

but i can't.

Do you remember when we were at books a million, right before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, when you laid in my lap, and I ran my fingers through your hair?

we played DDR a lot together...it was a strange way to "meet"

I remember eating ice cream with you. a lot. you could never take the paper wrap off the cone without tearing it. mine came off easily. you were so nervous to ask me out. I said yes. you were so upset to break up with me. but from the way the conversation was leading i knew what was happening...and knew you couldn't say it yourself...fuck...

too many things to remember. i don't want to forget.

it's easy to wish that you could erase these things....but who is to say we won't make the same mistakes again?

I'll know my name as it's called again.