I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“if only you could see”

oh desire can cause heart attacks.

Sep 12, 2009 || 10:01 PM || comment?

I listened to those words repeated three or four or ten times, while I was reading other words. Words from a distant past where the time was like yesterday but the thoughts and emotions were like years away. While I heard the words drift in my ears I felt my heart pounding against my chest and that was the only thing that mattered. I wobbled back and forth slightly while I tried to imagine myself in those past times, and I realized how incredibly selfish it was of me to want to feel that way.

I am reminded of a time when I stayed up all night with a friend, and in that night I had the biggest emotional release while the fan blades where spinning and someone else was in the room, a few feet away, like a ghost who now knows all your secrets and will haunt you with them forever. I shared a similar pain with a friend and together we cried. And we held hands. I felt worse for my friend than I did for myself because my friend was (is) so young. I can imagine the shattering feeling and how I wished that I could use my hands to put those pieces back together. It is incredibly foolish to think that certain things could come back together so easily as if nothing had happened. But you see the glue that dried up on the outside, and maybe the tape doesn't hold so well as it originally did. Those are the ghosts of the broken past.

It's funny how I felt for the longest time that I couldn't write anything. I still feel like I can't write anything. I am seriously considering saving this as a draft only and then not posting it. Then my feelings will change and I will change my mind on posting this. It is selfish to write these things for all to read where surely there will be questions, but sorry I won't grant you answers. Sometimes I like this to be a private kind of thing. You can say anything you want, but I probably won't answer any questions, this is a writing that is purely for myself and my selfishness. this is mine after all.

it's pretty chilly in my apartment now, and i am alone. i finally clipped my fingernails and it is much easier to type and text now. because before, even though my finger might be on the h key, my fingernail might press down the y or u key, or even get stuck in the small gap between the keys. my fingers look like little nubs now, it's kind of funny.

i still want to write my story but i still don't know how to get the words out. i guess it is writer's block. i'm not sure how to start it out, i just know certain things i want to occur...

i got a fortune cookie that read:

"stop searching forever, happiness is right next to you."

there is nothing next to me. i am happy being alone? or is happy the person i am currently sharing my life and everything with? i do love him. and he does make me happy. maybe it means that i should stop trying to ponder the things that have not occurred yet. don't worry.

i have an english essay that i need to start. luckily it is only two pages. i don't feel like writing it though. i suppose that is a dilemma that i need to get over, haha.

in the meanwhile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6ZBSdjzKfk

From Khachaturian's Gayane Ballet Suite, this song was used in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Go ahead and let me know what you feel/see/think. My thoughts are left in a comment. like last time, try not to read what i wrote until you've posted so your thoughts aren't influenced by mine. also, tell me if you think that this is something cheap to get readers to comment or if you enjoy doing this?

Line and Pause.

|| 12:22 AM || comment?

Howdy guys.

For those of you faithfully clicking away on my link on your list of blogs to read in hoping that I finally fucking update....your wish is my command ;)

a few things, or maybe just one, it depends on if I get carried away or not:

I added a new blog to my list of blogs, ::totemic::

it's the blog of my English instructor, his name is Forrest Roth and he came to UL from New York and is currently working towards candidacy for his doctorate. As far as he knows, he doesn't know that I linked him on my blog and also his has comments disabled so no tattling :P but mostly i linked to him for my own stalkerish purposes...plus I want to buy his book, titled Line and Pause, you can find it on amazon. I plan on buying it because I want to know his writing style plus I read the little preview they give and it looks interesting.

i have a story that i want to write and its really floating around in my head but when it comes to putting my pencil to paper and i just can't start it.

i'm not sure where the mental block is coming from, because i really know what i want to write...

this sounds kinda scary but i usually daydream while i'm driving long distances by myself. i never enter full dream mode but i lose my perception of time while fully thinking out stories or scenarios. sometimes i feel as if "wow how did i get here?" not in a Alzheimer's sense but in a "wow i didn't realize i was lost in thought for that long" but i'm still conscious to the traffic...so i don't know.

i haven't been recording my dreams either.

i guess i'm having an all around curse of pencil/pen to paper block, i wouldn't call it writer's block because i know what to write...i just can't. or something.

maybe it's become a routine or what, i'm not sure. i need something to keep myself interested in blogging and writing in general. any ideas?

my general school day is not interesting enough.

oh now i remember what i wanted to try.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoPL7BExSQU

this is Blue in Green by Miles Davis. Coltrane is also in there. if you'd like, listen to the song, and then write down any feelings or images you get from this. refrain from reading youtube comments because i don't want you to become influenced by outside opinion. i'm going to write what i felt/saw in a comment, so try not to read it until after you've heard it then post your comment before you read mine so you don't become influenced by my opinion as well. i wanna see what happens.