I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“if only you could see”

well if you want it then, come on.

Nov 26, 2008 || 10:57 AM || comment?

so I was driving home, really late last night, from Houston, and I was experiencing some falling asleep at the wheel, that I don't think Kitty noticed, and I wasn't /actually/ asleep, more like the cross-eyed concentration of staring at something for a period of time without being totally aware of it until I realize that I have spaced out and potentially have fallen asleep at the wheel. I tried adjusting my seat so I had to sit straight up. I turned the music up kinda loud. then I slouched forward, kind of holding the wheel to my chest. I only had a few more miles to Lake Charles. so if I can just keep..on..going..

then from Lake Charles I had to drive to lafayette. I drank three cups of coffee [with a lot of sugar] at KD's along with a shrimp quesadilla filling my stomach. but that was kind of a bad idea because I felt a little sick afterwards. I went home, picked up a better blanket, my black jacket that I have missed oh so much, and began my drive. I played Jason Mraz live and sang at the top of my lungs the entire ride to lafayette, my throat was dry and hurting and making me cough to sing so low, I reached behind myself blindly to find my backpack to find a water bottle to find relief for my throat. then I continued singing. I leaned my chair back a little bit, had hot air blowing on my cold toes, and when I made the heater come through the top vents I realized that's also a source of my sleepiness? so I just kept it blowing to my feet, except there were several times when my feet were out of range of warm blowing air, and you just feel the cold suddenly, as if it were sucking what little warm they had out of them...

i got to take a really close up picture of shinya and toshiya. (: [drummer and guitarist, but not sure which one-ist][as in normal guitar or bass or whatever. they have three guitarists.]

also i should be writing my essay for honors seminar?
except...i'm not?
what a bad thing to do.

also: i am extremely tired, but i am wearing the positively most awesome [band]shirt ever.

(for some reason, where i have wearing, i originally typed 'very')

i had a dream, that had a girl i worked with in it, and also a girl from my english class in it. their names are ashley and eve, and each one of them was dealing with some kind of conflict? and all i could do was just listen to them. ashley was having problems with some family member [which she really does have in real life] and eve was having problems with her boyfriend [i don't know her, so that's all dream-made-up]

also my shirt is really soft.

i have been wearing this necklace a lot lately, it is a heat pendant with a black background and two flowers painted on it. it has a double chain so it looks like two necklaces, the second one is shorter and it has a light metal..flower? hanging from it. i am in love with this necklace. except my favorite necklace is this bird necklace that has these multicolored beads dangling from it.

i don't have many pieces of jewelry at all (or rather, pieces of jewelry that i wear for the most part) so i guess i am either picky or just i really am a tomboy ):

did i also mention that i was tired?

your quietly beating heart.

Nov 23, 2008 || 12:06 AM || comment?

she spent her free time holding the vinyl record, staring at it and getting lost in its infinite blackness. she took the most care setting it into the turntable, holding both sides and lowering them evenly and not simply letting it drop. the arm moved lifted, then swayed to the record, and lowered into the groove of the record, it began spinning, playing, emitting the most beautiful sounds she would ever hear. the warm sounds of instruments playing, and a man singing of things she didn't quite understand yet. but it didn't matter what was being sung, it was the voice she fell in love with...

that story really has no point...i feel that a lot of things i do end up having no point. and yet i keep doing them. have you ever walked by something, like...a place, and felt, "i would really like to take pictures of that." there are a few streets in lake charles that i really want to take some pictures, but the pictures i have in mind are something a photographer might do? i'm not exactly a photographer, just that i take pictures of people i know when we go out and do things. there is also this...garage? like thing on a street that i have been parking at now. a few cars park in front of it, but it's not big enough to actually park in/under it. it also looks as if you wouldn't want to do that anyways. it is old, or at least it looks like it might fall over with a strong enough wind. there is a bit of graffiti in it, and i think that random grass stuff that grows in between cracks in cement. i want to take pictures of that. when i think that, i think about what exactly i want to photographer. haha it might sound kind of...expected.

because the garage/whatever thing is old/destroyed/in need of renovation, i imagine taking pictures of a girl wearing something really nice, like a nice dress in there. she might be wearing a white dress. i want her to be petite, and maybe with black hair. the girl herself can either be my age or 20s, or maybe she can be a child. the contrast of her youthfulness and the old building is what i want to convey. she would represent life of course. i can only think of people to photograph because what object would represent life? haha then as i just typed that, i thought of eggshells. i could have a picture of some eggshells, hopefully with a bottom part intact so it could sit on the ground, with bits of it around the bigger piece. the picture would focus on the eggshell, the background would be blurry. or maybe something that represents order amongst the disorder of the old place...?

the streets in lake charles, you turn onto...ernest st.? then around college oaks elementary, there are a few streets where the streets themselves have trees growing on either side, like a canopy. i dont know why, i just know i'd like to take pictures in the area at night...of what i dont know, and i dont know why either haha. to be able to make a career out of taking pictures like that would be nice...i am afraid of doing something that will ultimately be unfulfilling [like my current major] to do something like the photography i describe...would be oh so nice...

I don't give you quite enough credit for what you do for me...

flawless.

a movie starring demi moore and michael craine. it started off slow...then it got really good. XD demi moore and michael craine are the main characters, and they both work for this diamond company in london, set in the 1960s. the only share the mutual feeling of being wronged by the company, and michael craine's character decides he wants to rob the diamond company. once you get to that part, is when it gets better, and i don't really want to ruin it anymore than i already have for anyone that decides they feel like watching it when they are bored or because it has michael craine in it XD i swear that man is my new favorite actor. i find that all of his roles, his character is always sarcastic to some degree, with a better understanding of people than what you might be comfortable with. also somewhat manipulative characters.

i decided to grow my hair long, and that i just need to get some bangs of some sort instead of dumb long side things. because i don't like them, and i have the need to cover some portion of my face. XD also i need to get off my ass and get new glasses and get a job and go through my massive pile of clothes, 50% of which i am sure i do not wear and just don't want to get rid of because the nature of rachel is to hoard useless things, despite their uselessness, or lack of no longer having value to me (such as clothes that i just don't wear anymore. XD) there is a good will right by my house, actually it is closer to school. whatever. :P that is my to-do-eventually list.

things to take my mind off things.

Nov 17, 2008 || 9:55 PM || comment?

a movie we watched in my french class, except it is at hollywood video! jean de florette.

the sequel to jean de florette! manon des sources!
pronounced mah-nawh. (:
the first movie is about an uncle and his nephew ugolin, they are some greedy dudes. i remember one part they plant a certain kind of flower to make a lot of money. anyways, manon and her dad move into a place where the uncle and ugolin stay near by, and they know about this spring that would make them really rich, so they concrete up the source of the water, then lie to the man about where the source is. the man is a hunch back, and at any rate tries all kinds of old tricks to find the source of the water. eventually he tries to blast a hole into the ground and he gets killed. manon, as she gets older, realizes what really happened (this is now the second movie), and she becomes determined to find the spring and bring water back to the town! this movie is unforgettable for two things: you see manon topless bathing in some random water place in the outdoors (she cares for goats!). Ugolin falls in love with her [boobs] and he finds a ribbon that belonged to her AND SEWS IT TO HIS CHEST/NIPPLE.

i am somewhat reminded of george washington.
little sketch person! our one dollar bill man!

sake?

as you can see, i barely had enough to cover the bottom of the glass. it is not that good.

fire in merryville.
coolant jug turns out to be oil jug.
at least i am warm for that much longer.

"so do we have any marshmallows?"
...no.

i want to say her name is sarah, but i can't remember!

the train that blocks my way into dequincy.

beautiful bundle of joy! mikayla (sp?) michelle <3

tiniest thing.

starry night.

Questions for me and you! [edit]^2

Nov 13, 2008 || 1:18 AM || comment?

What book are you reading? Your Brain is (Almost) Perfect...I need to finish reading that.

What time is it now? 1.19 in the AM

What's on your mouse pad? I don't have a mouse pad. :P

Favourite board game? Pokemon Monopoly!

Favourite magazine? Discover.

Babies? Are cute!

Favourite smell? I can't think if I have a favourite...so a nice one is fresh cut grass. Or yellow jasmine. Smells like candy (:

Worst feeling in the world? had a headache, on two separate occasions, that made me throw up.

First thing you think of in the morning? must turn off alarm.

How many rings before you answer the phone? Depends, if you're not in my phone, I let it go to voice mail. If I know you, I answer as soon as I can.

Future child's name? hmmm....I don't know ): currently obsessed with: Hannah, Ophelia..don't know about boy names. Don't even know if I want to name my kids those names.

Favourite color? green! or yellow? don't really wear either one that much, I should get more clothes.

What is most important in your life? Making what I find to be a significant mark in this place. Feeling like I haven't wasted my life.

Favourite food? uh...cereal's yummy!

If you could play an instrument, what would it be? The upright bass! if I were a guy. ): some string instrument.

Do you like to drive fast? Kinda gives me a rush! Sometimes, yeah (:

Sleep with a stuffed animal? Does a lion pillow count?.

What type was your first car? '05 pontiac vibe! And will be for the next six years XD god damn financing.

Who is the person from your past you wish you could go talk to? From my past, personally? I don't know...

Favourite alcoholic drink? Never really had one before.

What's in the boot of your car? What's that even mean?

Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Yummy stems <3

If you could have any job what would it be? Not sure..

Ever been in love? Yep.

Glass half empty or half full? Depends on if you just filled it or just drank out of it.

Favourite movie? Jurassic Park.

Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? Hehe, nope! (:

What's under your bed? Carpet!

What is your greatest ambition? To make a worthy contribution to science.

What is your greatest weakness? Same as a flaw? communication.

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? A place where it snows...

What's your favorite article of clothing? dresses!

Beach, mountains, or city? Mountains.

Technology or art? D: technology + art = digital photography.

Comedy or horror? Horror.

Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex? Smile.

Favourite time of day? The time when I'm sleeping :P

The last CD you bought? Rush, Spirit of the Radio.

What's your favorite place to be massaged? kind of along the spine?

What's most important, strong in mind or strong in body? strong in mind.

What time do you wake up in the morning? 7.30, every weekday.

What's your favorite kitchen item? my awesome can opener! or the griddle at home! i have a lot of favorites because we have awesome kitchen items. in order of preference, however: MY can opener, griddle, wok, cast iron skillet. because you can kill a person with it!

What make you really angry? dumb insignificant shit.

Which do you prefer, sports car or SUV? sports cars! vroom vroom ;D

Do you believe in afterlife? I want to...this is the biggest fear I have about dying...

What is your favourite season? winterr.

If you could have one super power, what would it be? psychokinesis.

Do you have a tattoo? Never D:

Can you juggle? two things! much better at balancing coins on table top.

What is your favourite day? Thursdayyy.

Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? D: if you asked me, which do I prefer, sushi from Ichiban or hamburger from Southside, I would cry. but sushi.

What's your favourite soap? Softsoap I think? this yummy smelling shea butter kind...I think that's it.

What is your favorite meal? Stir fry that my mom makes, also tuna fish sandwiches that she makes...

If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would it be? Aurora borealissss.

If you don't mind answering these questions, as a comment to my blog! (please don't say anything if you've seen this before, i hope you haven't!)(also, if you have done it before, please do it again anyways! it'll be fun for others to read what you've written!, after i feel that everyone who is going to do this has done it, i'll post a reply!)

1. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

4. You walk deeper into the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on and around the table.

7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of (ceramic, glass, paper, etc.)?

8. What do you do with the cup?

9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of body of water. What type of body of water is it (creek, river, ocean, etc...)

10. How will you cross the water?

So, I was thinking about finishing up my second story from the other day....but I can't really think of how to move it along...I made it so vague, so...just a romanticized view of what I was really seeing that day in seminar. I wrote myself into a rut and I can't really think about how the heck to get out XD

Probably to start over, haha. :P

I think that no matter how...absurd an idea might sound, or just absurd in your point of view...I think it is important to find someone who will give you the time of day. Instead of completely rejecting the thoughts of another..to at least hear them out...someone to accept you, I think that's all that matters..

I have no idea about my plans for any kind of future. When do I want to get married/ have a family of my own? Where do I see myself after college? I don't have answers for these questions...but this kind of stuff, it's going to happen, probably sooner than you or I know it.

I have ideas about what I would like to do for that family.
I hope that I can make them realities.
I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents did.
Mistakes.
Or, things went exactly as they planned.
Until last year.

Why do you go through life, not speaking to someone standing at the same intersection as you, waiting for the light to turn? Is this not accepted behavior? Comfort level? I watched a girl as I walked to work this morning. We were heading in the same direction, so I followed her for about 90% of the time. Her legs were fairly white. On the back of the left leg, the opposite side of the knee, she like a small light blue bruise. A little higher up, she had these indentions, not anything gross mind you, but like...maybe she sat on something that impressed those lines into her legs. With every step she took, calf muscles jerked and I could tell she was athletic, but her red shorts gave it away as well. The kind of material like...sleeping bags? What is that? I never remember...then, she must have felt me staring at her backside, she tugged at her shorts, as if to move them down even the slightest bit, but to no avail. Her backpack had several zippers, all the main ones weren't zipped all the way, not obnxiously, but like six inches or less. She wore tennis shoes, of course, but I don't remember what they looked like. We stopped at the intersection, and no one said anything to each other. Is it because small talk would have made no significant mark on their day? What about me? Well, my pitiful contribution, we were standing at the intersection, and there was a car stopped at the light closest to us, except it was turning yellow. He'd already stopped, so we were gonna walk, and as one of us steps into the road, he suddenly speeds off. I said, "dick." and no one said anything to me. no "haha yeah" or anything...

Then again, what would you talk about to a person randomly hitting you up for conversation? the weather? music? recent news events? you might choose something that they would have probably heard about/know about/experienced in order to produce a conversation.

And then I think about the times people randomly start to talk to me, and I think "this person's kinda weird." except no...I think now they are trying to...what? get a little more out of life? I really like it when say the person taking your order to checking out your items strikes conversation with you...they don't have to, you know? However, as a cashier type myself, I find it easier to converse with costumers who are a bit more outgoing. There are always costumers that I think are rude, or could at least pretend they don't have sticks up their asses.

I was taking a call order once, and this lady in line was like "let's go somewhere else since /she's/ talking on the phone" and she said it with this attitude, as if I were chatting up my friend. "Oh hey girl! Okay, that'll be -insert amount- Hahah, see you in about 15 minutes!" Well...I might do that if it really WAS my friend calling in to make in order, haha..kind of bad example, but yeah. It made me really mad, because I am a better cashier than that. I wanted to shove that phone in her mouth. But I couldn't. Because I was TAKING AN ORDER.

Hahah okay back to whatever the heck I was saying earlier.

Or not...this is all just...haha, whatever.

I want to fall in love with you.

Nov 12, 2008 || 10:00 AM || comment?

thoughts and feelings: so many people, holding umbrellas, walking like ants following one another to some predetermined destination. it is at this point that i find NO ONE looks cute holding an umbrella. (unless you are holding an umbrella this is NOT meant for rain, and you're probably japanese and male, looking like a female and when someone tells you they are male, you're kind of like...what?) arms held in a solid position, various colors and designs. i think we all look fairly dumb.

i'm sitting through a presentation that my boss is giving to students in the ACSK class (a class that helps you choose a specific career, or at least gets you on track to actively trying to find a major for you. it's a half semester, one credit hour class.)

7,444 words. more words than I've... well, not /written/, but all in one sitting? or, for one story? yeah. that's about 16 pages. and books aren't typically full eight by twelve pages, unless it's like an encyclopedia. (which it's not.)....(but that would be interesting. XD to make an encyclopedia about your friends, or something like that. "the aaron lin-inus". :P) kind of at a road block right now in my story, but...that's okay. i'm chugging along still. (except i didn't write much last night...poo.)

a question for those who read this: what do you think is the reason why we have names? for identification purposes only? or, do you think there is a more in-depth reason/belief? please share your thoughts! would be much appreciated.

i need you more than ever, more than ever now.

Nov 10, 2008 || 9:52 PM || comment?

There was a blanket beneath her, gloves covering her fingers, scarf around her neck, and a ski cap pulled over her head, but the cold still managed to penetrate her body. Beside her, a guy was laying down, arms supporting his head, and he only wore a ski cap. The cold never seemed to affect him. Not many things could. She sighed a bit loudly, which got his attention.

"Something wrong?" He still cared just as much, if not more than most.

"I'm pretty much wearing Eskimo clothing, and I'm still freezing, and you're just wearing a cap, so I'm pretty sure you're made of rock or something."

"Hahah, really now? Well, come here then." He stretched an arm out for her to lay on, and she settled in close to him.

"You know, with all of your whining, you were missing something pretty spectacular. Look up." She looked as if she wanted to protest with him, but he already averted his attention to the night sky. She decided to look up too, and every few minutes, a shooting star would trail through the sky.

She gasped at such a spectacular sight, one after another streaking through the sky, burning its bright legacy into the night sky, until its distance grew too far, and the surrounding area dimmed back to a deep purple-ish black.

"Did you make a wish?" His voiced filled her ears, and she hadn't even thought of that. She waited for another star to blaze past, but to no avail. She pouted a bit now, saying, "There aren't any more!" He laughed at this, which made her pout even more.

"I don't think it's funny...now my wish will never come true!" She said this as if her entire life depended on the musings of those who only wished upon stars.

"Come here," he said to her, motioning that she lay her head on his chest. She found the beat to be soothing, sounding strong and steady. He ran his fingers through her hair, letting the strands fall freely, which drifted like wispy bits of spider web threatening to be carried away in the wind.

"You shouldn't worry so much...I made a wish for the both of us."

"Huh? Well, that's not really fair! How am I supposed to know if it's come true then?" He closed his eyes, and thought to himself, It has come true...

Labels: fiction junction