I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

“if only you could see”

Sep 30, 2008 || 11:35 PM || comment?

Wow, I am just in the most talkative mood or something! Actually, I'm not sure, maybe it's the surge of music flowing into my ears. (: music is inspirational sometimes?

So, as I'm typing I notice something. I can see the veins in the backs of my hands. This does not happen. EVER. And I've always liked poking at the ones in my feet that stick out (:

I am trying to determine if this is a good or bad thing? I'm really not sure. Haha, but we started derivatives today in Calculus! So I'm retaking Calculus, get to a better grasp of it. I forgot how fun derivatives by definition were. (:

Besides noticing the veins on my hands, I remember something:...or do I?

Oh I do! Today, I had my Honors seminar, it's once a week, and anyways, today's seminar was about irrational fears. And the girl had a fear of, get this: velociraptors!

A fear well founded! And she mentioned my favorite part of Jurassic Park! <3

So I plan on cooking, eventually. I need to make a grocery list. And I don't think we have all the proper cooking...tools? pots and pans to make this stuff XD but I can improvise. Just like I can pretend to cook ;)

But really I need to get a second job, or something. I need to look around some and see what's available. Preferably a waiting job. Because tips = love.

sometimes I don't get people, I hope this is for the best. :P

Laugh and sing..

Sep 23, 2008 || 11:05 PM || comment?

..but while we're apart don't give your heart to anyone.

This weekend was fun! Yay for Kaylyn's 18th birthday! There was good food and good music and dancing like an idiot and having fun while doing it!

But today is Monday, and I have a morning case of the blues? Mostly because I had to get up and go to school, which is rather inconvenient. But I dressed nicely today. ;)

What's the occasion? It's Monday! So it's going to feel sucky anyone so why not dress nicely, and maybe get some compliments out of it? (:

---------------------------

"Again, this is only a test. There is no cause for alarm...Exit at the predesignated areas and file out as quickly and quietly as possible. Th-thank you."

She was running with her boots untied. Her gloves were barely put on, and even then, her pinky was shoved into the same finger as her ring finger. She tripped on a shoelace, then caught herself and decided if she was already late, then she had time to tie her boots. She adjusted her gloves, wiped the sweat from her brow and inhaled deeply. As she continued her sprint to the predesignated area, thoughts were flying just as fast in her mind. She did not believe one second that these tests were necessary. Or at least, as much as they held them. She felt herself becoming desensitized to sound of the man's voice cutting through the air, to what it meant on a larger scale. What did it mean, after all? Her world was no longer a safe place, as these announcements became a more frequent part of her life.

She was about to wrap a scarf around her neck when she ran into an old granny. "Are you alright?" she asked, as she picked her scarf up from the ground. She was about four feet tall, a very petite woman, who seemed like the wind might carry her away. "Don't worry about me, dear, but you need to follow me." The old woman took the girls hand with an unexpected amount of strength, and turned her down a secluded alley. It was when a bit of light shined down on the old woman did the girl recognize her. One of the oldest members of their community, a lot of the citizens went to her for stories. Stories of a more desirable place, how things once were. Stories of when she was younger. The girl and the old woman shared a mutual relationship, and she like many of the others enjoyed her stories, and perhaps she likened the woman to the mother she never knew, and her, the daughter she never had.

"I...where are you leading me? We need to follow the drill.." the girl said, yet the granny did not answer her. It was frustrating, but the only thing she could do was trust the old woman. Together they entered a building, perhaps a small warehouse or something, then the granny disappeared.

"I guess I'll just wait here," the girl muttered, as she looked around the empty room. What was this place? She supposed she would never know, and with this thought, the woman returned, with a bundle of clothes in her arms.

"You're going to need to change your clothes," she said suddenly, sternly. She handed the pile to the girl, who simply stared, then looked down at the clothes.

"These are boy's clothes.." the girl said slowly. "Why?"

"You need not tell a soul that you were here, that you're anything other than a young man, who had business with this place, and you're returning home."

"Why are you telling me this? Why do I need to-..."

"There is no time for questions. You must realize, that this is no drill. This place has brainwashed everyone, and they are completely unaware of what's going to happen to them," the old woman interrupted her.

"What's going to happen?!" she finally screamed.

The old woman averted her gaze from the girl for the first time.

"I...I don't know. But there have been people in and out of this place all day, and they are not from here. And I know it has something to do with this "drill". I was hoping to see you today, so I could help you out of here...you do not deserve this fate. So please. Put on the clothes, then I will give you a hair cut."

The unknown. Sometimes, that was worse than knowing what was going to happen. She didn't even know if she'd be able to make it out alright. But the woman knew more than simple stories of the past. She changed quickly, the only familiar bits of clothing being her boots and gloves.

"Follow me. I'll never be able to cut your hair if you're not sitting down," the woman said as they entered a hall, then into a small room. There was a single a chair, made of metal, and luckily she wore pants or else it would have been unbearable to sit on. Out the corner of her eye, she watched chunks of hair fall to the ground, her hair that she hadn't cut since she was a little girl. This would be for the better. When the woman was finished, she stuck a hat on the girl's head, then walked around her.

"Don't take off that jacket, or else you'll give yourself away." The girl nodded, then glanced at her chest for half a second.

"There is a motorcycle outside for you, and this is the key. I went through a lot of trouble getting one of those, so they will most likely believe that you are not from around here. Speak as little as possible, only answering questions when necessary. Anything else you can answer by nodding. The closest city is about a day away, avoid telling anyone where you've come from, because you never know who is working for who. I have Republic currency, which you must use, but sparingly. Get rid of any old bills or change that you might have on you. I've put together a pack for you. There is a bit of food, and also some bandages. You're a strong girl. I believe you can take care of yourself."

It wasn't until then did she realize the magnitude of the situation. The life she was leaving wasn't necessarily a good one, but it was the only she's ever known. To be thrown into the unknown like this...was scary. And exciting. She never gave much thought to the outside world. Or that an outside world even existed.

"Okay...I'm ready."

"These are your keys, you might want to go slow at first, to get a handle of riding the motorcycle. And please don't forget your hat." She took the hat from the old woman, and covered her head. She followed her down the hall, was this maybe the last time she'd see this woman? She felt sad, yet this is what the woman wanted for her. She owed this woman her life.

"Out that door, you will ride down to the end of the alley and turn left. At the watch shop, take a right, and head all the way down. This is where the gate is. There is no need for eye contact. Just tell them your story, and you will be on your way."

She nodded. "I will come back for you."

The old woman smiled, yet there was sadness in her eyes. "There is no need for that. Once you leave this place, forget it. Do not come back." The girl frowned, then asked, "Will I ever see you again?"

"Maybe. The world will be a much better place when that day arrives." She nodded and smiled, then bid farewell to the woman. Just as she was told, she made her way out of the city without too many questions. Already being late, she rode well into the night, her amateur riding skills slowly developing, but to her the hardest thing was resisting turning back to everything she once knew.

Labels: fiction junction

Who knows the answers?

Sep 22, 2008 || 11:59 PM || comment?

Who do ya trust? I can't even separate love from lust.

There's an excess amount of graphite of my hands, and there's a picture next to my legs. I'm fairly happy with it, and it is only the first of...maybe three or four. At least two.

Ah....the time is so late, and my butt is numb from sitting on the ground. My back is slightly burning from sitting uncomfortably, but soon enough I will lay down and drift into a dream world...that I won't even remember...

I'm all at sea...where no one can bother me..

Just me and my thoughts.

Why /do/ I feel sad? I guess it's because things seemed a little off today. Maybe I'm a little off today. But today is actually tomorrow, which is actually today. Maybe I should speak less often, and feel much more. I am determined to finish tomorrow's lab with no fuss from the two nerds. I'm listening to some soothing tunes, why do these men sing much higher than I can? I guess I fail at something like sending my thoughts to my fingertips and relaying them on this screen, I guess I'm still trying to hard to me things make sense.

Who cares if it makes sense?

I guess if I can't even remember why I'm typing this, then this blog is void of any meaning..

so write a story. full of meaning, hidden meanings, meaningful meanings that don't really mean anything because you've typed the word mean too much and now it's just a set of keystrokes.

i guess when your ass has gone numb it's time to put a pillow under your ass, or get up, walk around, use the bathroom, don't get a bladder infection because you were reluctant to get up because you are too lazy.

oh chariot, i'm singing out loud, to guide me, give me your strength..

You know what I want.

They say that time...

Sep 20, 2008 || 4:02 AM || comment?

heals a broken heart...but time has stood still...since we've been apart..I can't stop loving you, I said I made up my mind...to live in memory of the lonesome times..I can't stop loving you.....

Those heavy hours. That we once knew. Though long ago. Still make me blue.

What are my ambitions? What are my goals? What in the world do I hope to accomplish? I want to experience some different things, like I plan to be part of CAPE, which is a satellite program, but I'm in Computer Science, and I want to join our school's ACM, yet I want to learn about Cognitive Science..then again I guess these things are all still essentially part of the same thing, so it doesn't really matter? But what am I going to do with all of this? When I think about doing research, I always imagine a person with really innovative ideas. I don't have any of that...or at least, I don't have anything innovative going on in my head. Maybe one day I will eventually become that kind of person? Maybe so...

Oh I know the music's fine like sparkling wine, go and have your fun.

You were playing the piccolo lightly, and in this cold weather, the sound carried well over the lake. I could hear the tune you were playing, and it sounded like a small child giggling. Not really, but that is what I imagined. A child running and hiding in a field of overgrown grass and flowers. There is a person playing tag with the child, which is the cause for laughter. At this thought I smiled, and imagined I was the child.

I try to stay awake and remember my name.

Placing one foot in front of the other, I find myself heading towards you. Your piccolo still playing, you become the snake charmer, and I your enchanted beast. But I do not slither towards you. I walk surely, well aware of my destination. And soon I am at your side. You don't stop playing, you don't even look at me. I lay at your side, and you continue to play, but you have eased your way into a soft tune, a lullaby...

You may be nice; don't know who I am....You're innocent; don't know how I am.

There is something tickling my nose. I wake up to find a rogue blade of grass has found its way into my nostril, so I roll over and rub my nose. I see that you have fallen asleep next to me, and I inch closer to you. Your body is warm on this cold night, and I selfishly use that to my advantage. Your back is to me, your back slightly curled, piccolo safely tucked into the crook of your body. I convince myself that you possessed me, and go back to sleep.

Labels: fiction junction

Epic LAWLs.

Sep 19, 2008 || 9:52 AM || comment?

At questionable content for last night's comic.

And because it is SO true, Honky Tonk Badonkadonk should never have been made.

I'm going to force everyone to listen to it. Somehow.

Swinging oh so swiftly...

Sep 17, 2008 || 11:52 AM || comment?

She smiled at her reflection in ten different ways. Each way was more superficial than the last, and she didn't seem satisfied with a single one of them. Then she heard a delightful voice in her mind, and she smiled. That was it! That's the smile she would use. Right now, it was the best she had. A red ribbon kept her hair tied back, and her outfit was...well, it was suitable. In her left arm, she clutched a book with various papers edging their way to safety from the tight confines. But she would never let them escape, if she could help it. If she remembered well enough, today should be Friday. She placed all her hope on Friday, because every other day of the past week had failed her.

She spent a lot of her time walking around this city, memorizing the shortest and longest routes, taking one when she was in a hurry, the other when she just wanted to take in the sights. Today she had an appointment in the building with the rotating glass doors, across the street from the building with the sundial at the top of the stairs leading to two stone doors that appeared to be heavy, but could be opened surprisingly easy. This sundial, along with the other clocks, be them digital or analog, were her only reminders of the present time besides the sun. She stood twenty feet away from the rotating door, and inhaled deeply.

She began marching towards the door, as if her sole function was to walk into doorways. Before she knew it, she had entered the building, and she was staring at a pretty brunette, who had a smile on her face.

"Can I help you?" the brunette asked. The girl smiled, and said, "I have an appointment with the director, in ten minutes." The brunette averted her gaze to the screen in front of her, and tapped away. "Follow me," the brunette said, as she rose from her position behind the marble counter, and led the girl to a set of elevators down the hall. "This will take you to the director," she said, before telling the elevator attendant to go to the fifth floor. "Have a nice day," she said, and the girl watched her disappear behind the doors.

The girl sat in a comfortable leather chair, fidgeting slightly, as the director flipped through the portfolio. "What exactly are these designs?" the director questioned, as she continued flipping through the book. The girl smiled, and her cheeks turned a light shade of red. "These are my dreams.." she said, as confidently as possible.

"You know what? I think that's exactly what we need."

Labels: fiction junction

I am SO hot.

Sep 13, 2008 || 9:02 PM || comment?

I am sitting in the corner of my apartment, hunting down an internet signal...and I couldn't be more bored!

There were previously 11 occupants in this max. of 4 occupants apartment. That size has reduced to seven, and will soon reduce to three. Soon the AC will feel like it actually works, and soon I won't have to hunt for the poor soul whose connection is unsecure, my good friend linksys! At least I didn't need to use a pringles can...

We have a fireplace, and a balcony. We have a fridge, a stove, a dishwasher. Food disposal, carpet on the floor, and electricity. (obviously.)

I have spent the majority of my time playing Animal Crossing, and I need to get that golden axe! Also, I will unroot all of my normal trees, and make them all fruit trees!

;)

It is hot enough that I wish I had some ice cream at this current time. I normally don't crave ice cream, but it is ONE OF THOSE TIMES.

I have an awesome shower curtain! It is a burgundy color, with nice flower shower hooks! And they are so cute. We have these two...halogen? light bulbs. And they make the bathroom hot as FUCK.

The view on our balcony reminds me of the song The Trees, by RUSH, which will be on Rock Band 2!!!

You don't realize how excited I am for this.

"..Now there's no more rogue oppression, for they passed a noble law...And now The Trees are all kept equal with hatchet...axe...and saw..."

I will sing the hell out of that song. You can bet on that.

I am glad that everyone seems to be doing alright, and that so far the only damage is flooding around the town? To anyone I know, anyways. Over here, nothing really happened except being a bit windy, and rain last night.

I will be down next weekend however, for two reasons. ;)

One being I need to get personal belongings.

Two being someone I know is turning 18. (:

School is just rolling right along! It's still high school. So far, anyways. I am going to join CAPE, which is UL's satellite program! It is interdisciplinary, meaning they don't only need engineers, but Computer Science majors as well. This is a great chance! for a little info about cape, http://ulcape.org

A tidbit of information: it costs 40,000 to send that guy into space. The cheapest you can go.

Calculus is finally becoming calculus, as we have started limits! My EECE labs have just started, this past week we constructed a NOT gate, being you give it a certain input, 0 (or 1), and the output is inverted, thus becoming 1 (or 0). Next we will be constructing an AND gate, where there are two inputs to give one output! My STAT class is slowly but surely getting to what I don't know, we are about to go over permutations and combinations. ENG 101...well, it's intro to writing class. I hope to learn something in here. My honors seminar, we have just picked our seminar topics, including but not restricted to: The year 2012...and as it turns out I can't remember the others D: Well shit. Oh wait! Also, making your own country, something about recycling, and something about cyclists (at UL).

To graduate with an honors baccalaureate degree, you must write a senior thesis, which we were told could be on anything! This page http://www.dreamresearch.net/projects.html hasn't given me a topic, but if I were to do one on dreams, I might refer back to it. Of course, I would need some dreams to work with. ;)

So if there is anyone who is bored, and who has an empty notebook, would you like to fill that with say...a month's worth of dreams? Even if you don't remember your dreams well, or if one dream takes pages to write out. Recording the time and date would also be helpful! And maybe a little bit about yourself, my audience doesn't know who you are. :P

But what kind of topic could I write a thesis on, that is about dreams? I have four years. ;) Which is why I need an idea now XD

So I am searching. (:

It was all about...

Sep 1, 2008 || 3:20 PM || comment?

During the seconds in which the the weather changed from sunlight beating down on us, rain began falling, at first in small drops that evaporated as they touched the concrete, to large bullets, to a downpour. The temperature dropped at least ten degrees, or so it felt. i relished in the change in weather, and so did the children. As the rain poured more steadily, they took turns daring each other to run about in the rain, not once thinking they might be wet and miserable within a few seconds. I sat on the top of a picnic table, watching them, smiling, wondering. The little girl walked back and forth underneath the edge of the roof, where all the water fell in bigger drops, and she loved it. I watched her as she screamed in delight, this joy in her world was something I couldn't remember. When was the last time I was so easily amused? The little girl smiled at me, and I couldn't help but smile back. Maybe she knew something I didn't. Maybe in this moment, I needed to let go of all my worries, let go of all my responsibilities, in order to understand. I slid off the picnic table, then scooped up the little girl, who was laughing constantly now. I ran with her into the grass, and spun her around in my arms, making myself more dizzy than the little girl, I'm sure. I set her down gently, and she hugged my legs. I gently pushed her back, and cupped my hands, letting them fill with water. I brought my hands over her head, and parted them, showering her with the water I collected. She giggled, much like a shrill, then cupped her own hands. Because she wasn't tall enough, she would simply throw the water at me, and laugh even more. As I finally began enjoying myself for once, the rain lifted, and the sun came out to dry the land. I picked up the little girl, bringing her back under the picnic area, and someone I didn't know, wrapped towels around us. I smiled at them, a sign of thanks, but they frowned at me. Of course, they wouldn't understand what I finally understood. But I'm sure they will, one day.