“if only you could see”

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sometimes i find that my creative license should be revoked or something, but i'm glad it's not because i wouldn't be able to share this with you guys. (:

my living room is entirely too hot for simple pleasures!

college is going to be one hell of an experience that I don't feel like typing out now or explaining, but maybe I'll talk about how I've been feeling lately..

I feel like I'm bipolar or something, because all day I'll pretty much be fine until I lay down and the rest of the day catches up to my brain and everything is trying to be processed at once while Coyotes is running through my head, and the only way I can figure to release the way I feel is cry. And then I think about everything. Am I ready for college? What will happen to my dad? How do you talk to someone who feels they are nothing anymore? I mean, what do you say, or what could you say to make them feel better about their life? I guess there's the fault in that, I don't know what to say to make him feel better, because it seems "I love you" is not enough for him, and I guess he will just be a phantom of a person for the rest of his life. He was supposed to go to Lafayette for a stress test and I remember feeling like maybe because he does not care anymore that maybe he just wants to...to just be. And let his sickness take over him. I think about writing him a letter because if I talk about these things to him I will cry, and he will cry, and sometimes I just make bad choices, and he just oversees them, because he loves me. As a father, and a parent, he has been cheated out of having a happy family. He got the short end of the stick, and it just got worse from there. He was never a person we went to for anything in our family, so it is almost like he just had to watch through a window as we grew up, dependent on only our mother, and treating him like....what? I don't know.

Written on the way from Phoenix to Houston, about my ride from Sacramento to Phoenix, and other things.

I don't know when I last had a full night's sleep. Anytime I've gone to sleep, I'd be out in less than a few minutes. Usually I toss and turn around. My mind races. But those nights I slept without anything more than the next day on mind. Getting downstairs a little early was always a wise choice, seeing how the lines for food easily grew out of control (not in terms of behavior, but length). Turns out I didn't write as much as I thought I would but it's not really a problem. I had a really good time, my last math convention, tournament, ever. I'm a little said...or really sad, actually. I knew in sophomore year I wanted to join as soon as I heard the announcement. I told Kaylyn, and she was all for it. Nothing's better than being shown you didn't know as much as you thought you did- from an eight year old named Scott Wu. On the first flight, I played a card game with a little girl and her dad. She knew how to add negative and positive numbers together. She was maybe 11 or 12? I know freshmen (and older) that have trouble with this. Of course, the year before you will always be smarter than you. Level requirements change, calling for a more rigorous course level. I'm smart, but I'm not intelligent or even impressive (well Mrs. Bacon might be shocked with my AP score).

My handwriting. Does it say I'm lazy or typical to that of a doctor's? No idea. The way you cross your "t" and dot your "i" have an affect on what a hand writing analysts might discover about your personality. I dot my "i" before I make the line. I use a lazy mixture between cursive and print. Usually if a t is in the middle, or at the end of a word, I will cross it without lifting my pencil from the previous letter. And if two "t"'s are together, I cross both at the same time. Of course, I'm sure most people do that too. I leave a lot of space between my words. I can't tell if I do this on purpose or if I instinctively want to make my writing appear to be longer than it really is.



Her hair was short, her smile was bright, and she had really cute earrings. Her dad (Randy) said her name was Bren....or Brittney. I can't remember.

It hurts me so much, it hurts me so much, I love you so much.


Final day of Nationals. Just got finished with Gemini, which is a two person, roughly hour long test. Did okay, coulda done better. Last night we played The Game, which consisted of picture puzzles, and you had to extract a number from the clue. It ranged from Ohhhhh that makes sense to WHAT THE FUCK. Or, not really, they all made sense (when you hear the answer) haha. Just some of them, it's like, you need some outer knowledge. Maybe I'll explain what they were later :P

Second award ceremony was last night, and while we aren't placing in the tests, our poster got SEVENTH in the NATION out of FORTY NINE SCHOOLS. Bitchiiiing. (: I am gonna miss draining my mental capacities on math tests. It really is something else.

Today we get a load of free time. I'm not sure what we're gonna do, I just hope we don't go shopping. :p

Loads of downtime right now, I wish I had a book or something to read. I wonder how it feels outside?

My summer plans after this consist of nothing more than working and eating and sleeping and typing and maybe a picnic. This is something I really wanna do. XD

People should tell me what kinds of sandwiches they like...

Then maybe we could go to the civic center or something like that maybe.

We could...I don't know. Any ideas?

"So tell me about this one," she said, tucking loose strands of hair behind her ear. She ran her fingers along the length of his arm, stopping at his elbow, where a long scar traced its way to his shoulder. He smiled slyly, laying on his back, chest exposed where the blankets weren't draped over him.

"A stupid thing I did when I was younger...I was an idiot back then...like most guys, you know?" She sighed, and snuggled close into the crook of his arm, with his fingers he led them over her back gently, causing chills to be sent up her spine.

"You're really warm," she said softly, inching closer, closing her eyes, and slowly drifting away from the world. It had been a long time since she felt this way...


It's really strange with the time zone thing because it still feels like it should be a lot later than it really is, or maybe my constant communication from over there I am more aware of the two hour time difference. Tomorrow we'll be going to the water park actually, and I'm really excited about that. Fun water rides! Wee! I'm not sure whether I should bring my glasses, probably not. Duh...

Tomorrow I will be taking the History of Math test, my last chance...it'd be nice to bring something home from my last MAO trip evar...

Labels: fiction junction

Sitting on the stairs outside today, I noticed how nice the grass was there, and there's always a nice breeze outside, and it's like the sun that's just warm enough that you want to go to sleep under the tree. Maybe if I'd discovered them earlier, I would have done so...

Ahh la la la la...

Rachel has been having a grand ole time in Sacramento, spending her monehs, eating foods, cooling her harbles on da marbles...

The tests are really going in our favor, hahah. But I'm having a good time though. I owe some people biggg (:

Shall I tell you a story?

We play The Game tomorrow as well, with our sponsor, which is going to be pretty fun, I hope. I hope our poster does well :/

moi, j'attends quand le monde soit meilleur, la dans la cabane du pecheur.

its about two forty in the morning and i think im going crazy.

i just spelled out minute, instead of morning.

in just three hours i will be getting ready to fly to sacramento california for a week dedicated to MATH.

i cannot believe this will be my last trip as part of this wonderful math club.

i made some new friends in this club, and definitely some memories to be treasured. (hackenbush, anyone?)

i befriended a skank, and was the proud owner of a slave.

i learned how precious ranch dressing seems to be for some people,

and how bloody awesome it is when denying weirdos.

i will miss epic adventurez at 3.14 am and stop motion flying azns.

i am going to miss everyone like FUCK.

i hope to get a trophy this year, how amazing would that be?

itd be like LAWL thats a white chick.

i would like to have a picnic before summer is over,

but mostly i just wanna make a pic-a-nic basket.

complete with red checkered blanket and wicker basket.

i would like to visit some really awesome science restaurant/bar/open my own (our own.)

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

god.


I'm writing this letter to you, because I know I can trust you to keep it close to your heart. If you were me, I hope you would like to share a similar story. I'm not sure where to begin...

Do you know a watchmaker? Of course you do. But have you ever watched one? It's a curious sight, something I will remember forever. He was the same age as myself, but he knew much more about the world I think. Any time I watched him working, I was always entranced. His hands working so quickly, so delicately. If he wanted to, he could crush the face of the watch between his index finger and thumb. Watchmaking was his ultimate truth.

"Time," he told me, "is an absolute truth. As sure as this wrinkle forms in my brow, so is the reality that time is passing us by." Always watching him, I kept quiet most of the time, gaining confidence. Through imagined scenarios. Unfortunately that confidence, when used, was quickly expended.

"I think you're handsome," I said as proudly as I could manage. He didn't even look up from his work. He simply said, "You are too young." It was enough that I even said that; his response was devastating. My face was beet red, I'm sure. I simply whispered good bye and rode my bicycle home. I had to keep the skirt of my dress between my legs for fear of it getting caught in the back tire. It has happened before. I fell off my bike, scraped my knees, tore my skirt. Luckily, he was walking by. He came up to me, looked at knees, my skirt, my face. He then proceeded to pick me up, holding me like a baby.....holding me like the baby he thought I was. At this thought, I grew angry. Angry, and embarrassed.

I said to him, "Put me down," I didn't even look up at him. He stopped walking and tried to look at me, but I always turned away. "It's no trouble." I didn't care. "Please put me down."

And so he did.

We headed to his shop, though I stayed in front of him, keeping my eyes on the ground, watching the tear drops fall down. It was another reason why I loved him. Despite the way he seemed on the outside, few things were kept in his heart. And I was one of them. After a while, I slowed down, allowing him to catch up with me. I then wrapped my arms around his left arm and we continued walking in this manner. It has been my favorite day of my entire life. Even though I get to see his beautiful face day in and day out, that day means something to me that I want you to one day be able to understand.

I hope you, my friend, will find a reason to smile again.

Labels: fiction junction

It wasn't your normal afternoon. Instead of taking the shortcut, you took the long way, with the scenic route, picking a few berries and eating them without a care. Instead of driving to and from work, you took the bus. And instead of paying five dollars to eat grease with a side of hamburger, you cooked that night. You played the radio louder than you should have, and you danced around your empty apartment in your jammies. Too bad you don't have anyone to share this with.

It's getting ever closer to flying off for a week in Sacramento. I'm so excited; it's going to be lots of fun.

Sometimes I wish I could just live in a dream..most of mine are ridiculous or don't make sense, and I don't know why I like them so much...I guess it's kind of like watching TV or something...okay not really XD

But it would still be interesting I think.

In the mail today I got a bit of reading material: Euclidean and Non-Euclidean Geometries; Development and History. It's a small book but it's full of material I will probably be bored with. I will keep a mechanical pencil with me to write down the important bits of information. I hope it's good enough to get me a trophy at nationals. That and there's the codes test that I'm really excited for. All week it has rained sometime in the afternoon, and it's really annoying. It should just rain all day and get it over with. Instead of raining here and there and being annoying.

I had a pretty weird dream, with Mr. Sickmann in it. We were supposed to be making 280 mls of a certain chemical, and the first time I did it wrong. So then I was going to remake it, but then the class started doing something else, so I just poured it down the drain. But he still wanted the chemical. So I had to make it a third time, and he told me it was okay if I just made a proportional fraction of the amount we were supposed to make. At first it was an orange color, kind of shimmery. But the less I made, the more red it became.

Dreams are funny things, the kind you have at night, not the kind you set your sights on. It's interesting to find out about the dreams of others, because I think I'd go on with life thinking others had dreams the same way I did, but really they don't. Do you believe that dreams are trying to tell you something? I'm not sure if I do, mostly because: What could a dream like that mean? Don't become a scientist because you're sure to fuck things up? To be honest I don't know. XD

Another dream involved a playground slide. But we were a little bit higher than the slide, and would have to drop down to get on it. And it would seem like you'd plummet to your death, but in reality you'd be okay, the slide was under you just right, and it was sure the catch you, and it was really steep, and kind of fun. I just don't like getting shocked when going down slides. :/

Oh god.

My back itches. My chest is sore. So are my arms. My tea is almost all gone, and my feet are cold. The bracelet hangs loose on my wrist. My glasses are sitting unevenly on my nose, and one of the plastic nose things is gone. At least you're not worried. Maybe I shouldn't worry so much. Except....what could have happened?

I have a deck of cards that will stay looking new because I have no one to play them with. But maybe when school starts, I'll make a new friend or two who will enjoy a good game of ERS. Or Pondue. :P

I have some new tunes, and it's really nice. It's kind of light, and a little...mysterious? Whimsical?

Man this is a really bad feeling.

I feel that it is time to complain, and that is, complain about how I can't seem to find anything that I feel like writing, such as stories or even just general blogs. Of course, maybe when more things happen, I will have more stuff to write about. But maybe when school starts up I will have fun stories to write about as well, like weird people I meet, and how many people stare at me as I skate to class. Of course, depending on the proximity, I might just pedal to class. Or maybe I will just use my nitro-glycerin...okay maybe not. That would hurt and I would blind quite a few people. I wish I had some kind of project to work on over the summer, like say I had something I wanted to accomplish, ideally some writing feat. Of course, I can't find any inspiration to last me the day.

I've been awake for roughly an hour, and it feels like I've been up for a freaking long time. Maybe this is only so because I currently don't have anything to do, and am staring at the clock, and am waiting for a special package in the form of a laptop. (:

I am very excited about my laptop purchase because it makes me feel slightly older, and I can present an aura of importance in coffee shops. But that would only work if I wore some nice looking clothes. Because I doubt a girl in a Windwaker shirt looks important. I do get a lot of compliments though. (:

In other news, loud vehicles that sound like Fed Ex trucks are rude and make a girl get up every five minutes.