“if only you could see”

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it IS inevitable.



He put his arms in front of him, streams of letters shooting from the tips of his stretched fingers. His mind was active, the letters that spilled from his very hands raced around the room like phantasmagoric bolts of light. Words were formed, and he breathed them in, fueling his soul. Letters would crash, and fall out of the air in a heap of misspelled glory. These, he would cup his hands together until the fallen warriors flowed over, and he tossed them back in the air. The letters would explode in a blast of light and color much like the fireworks many would light in celebration.

He inhaled deeply, the letters shrinking, filling his nostrils. He shot a glance at the book that lay open at his feet. There was plenty of type left. He dipped his hands in, the pages rippling like water as he grabbed fists full of plot twists and metaphors. He would continue in this manner for hours to come until he absorbed every allusion, every symbol. It would soon become HIS story, HIS novel.


I dunno....something I should work on, it's an interesting little thought that popped in my head this morning in creative writing..bleh

Labels: fiction junction

and a little bit of loving....this is called an eye-ball implant. Currently, it's only practiced in some North European company, they offer designs as such:
cute hearts, four-leaf clovers, musical notes, stars. It's an interesting look, don't you think?

Everything is back to normal.

Funny what one day can do to you. For you. Against you.

I have an idea for a short story I plan on writing. It's going to be called The Wish. Maybe I'll post some up here. ((:

take everything you know.
flip it inside out.
rip it up.
throw it away.
set it on fire.
bask in the glow.
reminesce.
feel depressed.
cherish the memories.
start all over again.

what is love?

Who am I to say the situation isn't great? 'Cause it's my time to make the most of it, how could I ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no..

All along, the fault is up for grabs, why don't you have it, well it's for sale go make your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for, pay no more than absolutely zero.

Funny how everything changes all of a sudden. Maybe I'm taking it all too seriously. Like a good friend told me, think nothing of it. A dream is a dream. Look to deep, and maybe you'll see what you want. You'll bend it to what you're secretly hoping for. Destruction and desperation. All because of a dream. And a few misplaced thoughts. They weren't misplaced, I meant to think about them. But I meant to think, and not to despair. I'm moving past it. I will get over it, and I will conquer it. I'm strong. I can handle myself, but much more, I can love. And Love is what I'll do until there's nothing left.

These ramblings are leaving me feeling drained. They make no sense, it's a wonder I'm still writing. Even though this is a blog, I won't disclose certain things because I know there are people who do read. I had a dream that I was pregnant, because I was raped. The rapist was, however, wearing a condom. I didn't see any of the bad part, just knew that I was raped and he used a condom. I was happy. I was fascinated because I could feel the baby's head through my stomach. I swam in deep water. I ran. I lost my ring twice, but the company made sure it found it's way back to me.

I looked up the meaning of those certains aspects of dream, and they seemed to match all the things I was wondering about. But I'm demented. I wanted to fail. I wanted to despair. But, that's not what I need...I need to love and be loved, and that's what I'm doing right now. At this point, I'm not worried if people are reading. I'm going to pour out my thoughts. If they make it through these paragraphs and run on sentences and all of this nonsense is good for them and me. Maybe I'll get feedback. It's nice to know someone is taking the time to read your thoughts.

A secret audience. Whether you're getting praise, is a different thing entirely.

I can't hope to ever tell HIM the things that are running through my mind. I'm glad that I can tell someone, though. One plus anyone who might be reading. I thank you all.

So that's why I'm apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it.

Love. Will. Not. Be. Lost. On. Me.

"Well you're magic," he said, "but don't let it all go to your head, 'cause I bet if you all had it all figured out then you'd never get out of bed."

Well no doubt, of all the things that I've read what he wrote me is now sounding like the man I was hoping to be. I keep on keeping it real cause it keeps getting easier, he'll see.

He's the reason that I'm laughing, even if there's no one else.

He said, "You've got to love yourself."

He said, "You shouldn't mumble when you speak, but keep your tongue up in your cheek, and if you stumble on to something better remember that it's humble that you seek. You've got all the skill you need: individuality. You've got something, call it gumption, call it anything you want, because when you play the fool now you're only fooling everyone else. You're learning to love yourself."

i can't help but feel as if i'm making bad decisions.
one step at a time
i'm being irrational.
over-sensitive.
stubborn.
upset at the smallest of things.
unworthy.
ungrateful.
selfish.
emotional.
i cry too much.
i wonder what i'm doing most of the time.
why am i acting and/or feeling like this?

i don't feel like capitalizing anything.
it's also really early in the morning.
the worst time of day for me to be reflecting on these things.
there's no one to talk to this early.
the person i should be talking to is the hardest one to say anything to.
it's easier for me to avoid talking about it.
but it's obviously not helping.
i know it isn't helping, but why do i still do this?

ooc: Sunday was probably the second best day of my highschool life. I consider music a big part of life, and seeing Dir en Grey was like a dream come true (again!) They're from Japan (yeah, I /don't/ know what they're saying, but it's called translations, and their music deals with a lot of issues, such as abortion.) so it's a big deal that they're touring for the second time in America. The concert was great, and my story is all true. I left out a few minor details, such as I got a guitar pick that one of the guitarists threw out to the crowd. ((: I also bought a tour shirt, and a shirt from the first band that played. I don't suggest Google-ing Dir en Grey, as you'll find pictures of their old image. They used to be VK (a visual band, often times dressing WAAAY out of norm) but they have moved on from that look. Their music is very hardcore, and for first listeners, might be a little frightening, which is why I also do NOT suggest looking for a music video. One song that I do recommend for first time listeners would be The Final, or maybe Yokan. But, if you're bold and daring, you might give Mazohyst of Decadence a try, or maybe Obscure. My title comes from Clever Sleazoid, which, if you listen to, might think it's in Japanese. It's in English. The lead singer (Kyo) has, I must say, HORRIBLE English. The lyrics are a little out there, but I believe he's trying to get out that this is who he is, not some wannabe, and whether or not you believe him is all up to you because he doesn't feel the need to prove himself.

So that was one big thing I did this Mardi Gras break....the other big things were: Going to Nathan's for an awesome little party, and going to the parade and just walking alllll over Lake Charles, and bowling today. I had a lot of fun this break, and am wondering why they haven't been doing this every school year. Yay for two day week! ((:

-> As we arrived to the gray building, there was already a crowd wrapping itself around the building. We ran to place ourselves in the ever-growing line. Numerous people clung to their jackets as they chatted, excitement filling the air. The time came and the doors were opened. We spilled into the double doors, ready for the show to begin.

-> The available booths filled rapidly, and the souvenir stands were crowded. We immediately headed to the stage area, securing our spots in the crowd. There were only a few inches of space between the people behind us and those in front of us. The first band played and the elation was hard to contain. The adrenaline that flowed from them filled us with infinite energy. Their set ended, and we were ready for the second band to play. It was hard to feel sympathetic when the lead singer's mic failed; it was a mediocre show at best. Our excitement was dulled, and the energy that we had seemed to have left in a flash.

-> The lights above were bright again, signaling the final break before the big show we were all waiting for. We became restless. As the equipment was brought out on stage, the crowd emitted a roar of excitement. The false hopes were enough to get us going once more. Then, the lights dimmed and another roar emitted from the crowd. The stereo system blasted louder than ever and our spirits were rejuvented. They came out one by one, and the cheers were growing louder. The first song began and the waves of sound traveled through us; the vibrations were felt in our legs, and our hearts. Our endless energy was back. The ventilation was poor, but not a single person cared. A miasma of body odor filled my nostrils, and it became hard to breathe. I tilted my head upwards, searching for fresh air.

-> Water was thrown on us, as it became very clear that the heat could become unbearable. Even the smallest drop of water was refreshing. The best songs were played, and we sang along. It was impossible to hear ourselves over the crowd and the music, but we didn't mind. Too soon the concert ended, but for many of us, it was like a dream come true. That night, we left with a sense of completion and memories we would never forget.

Labels: fiction junction

There are many things that make up teenagers. Make-up. Alcohol. Acne. But one thing rules them all. Drama. Not drama, with a lowercase, but Drama. I've never had any Drama in my life dealing with other girls and their boyfriends, but today was my day of reckoning.

The arcade is a place I frequent, along with many other teenagers. What do teenagers do? Make out. Where? In arcade games that /appear/ to be tinted, but in fact, you're getting a front-row show to two teenagers professing their love to each other by way of mouth. They finally noticed that other people were watching - us. At first, all was good. We waved at them. They waved back. We laughed. They...well, I don't care what they did. If you saw something like this, you'd probably talk about it, maybe to your friends. This is known as gossiping. I suppose that it was my fault to talk about it, telling my friends, and pointing. While that was pretty dumb, since they would then know I'm talking about them, the girl, who looks no older than 15, and considerably shorter than I am, comes up to me and says, "Are you talking about me? Because if you have a problem, say it to my face."

I've never been confronted before, I got REALLY nervous.

So I go back to my own business, and then we see her try to come at me, but her friends and boyfriend hold her back. Oh well. They went back to wherever, behind some games so we couldn't see them. Then we see her friends near the exit, and she walks to us, with the manager. We go to the arcade a lot, so he knows us. He knows we don't cause problems. She told him,

"There are some girls back there being rude to me."
"Okay, let's see," he tells her.

She points at me and I walk forward. She said something like I was the one saying something, so I told Joseph (the manager)," They were making out in your Star Trek game."
"It's none of your business bitch what we do!"
"Yes it is, because you're in a public place."
And Joseph said, "Yes it is, because she works here (i don't /really/ work there, just spend money there :P)"

It was a rush. xP I don't know what possessed her to think that it's okay to make-out in the arcade where there are kids running around, but yeah....my side won.

I'm just afraid I might see her again and I won't have anyone to help me. xD



So, I mentioned something about Jason Mraz in my last post. He just has a way with words ( which is maybe why his newest CD was Mr. A to Z.. ((: ). One song, it starts off with how it's Laundry Day, so the name of the song is Geek in the Pink (because all his good clothes are in the wash :P) Maybe I'm just a loser because I think it's funny. But, he also plays different kinds of music. Some sound like country, some like pop, some like jazz, some like rap.....I guess it's not that I don't like certain music, I just don't like certain /lyrics/. When you think rap or hip-hop, you think: songs about smoking weed and wait 'till you see my **** (no lie, that's a real song.)

I think everyone who feels they'll be alone on Valentine's should go to Postsecret. He's put up some postcards that are that theme. He posts new ones every Sunday, so it's something I like forward to every week.

I wish I had a car, because I could drive around, anywhere I felt like, and I'd feel so free. It would be easier for me to have a job, because I wouldn't have to depend on my mom or dad, for rides or money. I'm taking Driver's Ed finally, it starts in March I believe. I don't have to worry about a car either, because of special circumstances. ((: It won't be something nice and shiny, but something to do the job. Actually, I'm really thrilled about my senior year. Everyone says that junior year is your best because you're almost a senior and don't have to deal with admissions yet, but it's NOT TRUE. In fact, the classes I'm looking forward to most are next year. I really am going to take it to the next level next year because these three years I have been slacking off. Next year will be my hardest year. I'm looking forward to Chem. II AP and Pharmacy Tech. the most. Wish me luck, because I know I'll need it. ((: What may be the only problem is that we have to take a test for placement, so I'm a little worried about that. I asked my chem teacher (Sickmann) what might be on it, and he said definitely MOLES. We need to know moles inside and out. And so, this means different formulas, and the amount of atoms/molecules in a mole. We probably also need to know about ATMOSPHERES. He said, the things we stress the most on in class is what we should definitely know.

And now, I've made my blog so long and uninteresting, OH WELL. It's my life. ((:

For reasons unknown to myself, I feel like crying.

I'm at my boyfriend's house, but he's sleeping, and I'm still awake. I understand that he is tired, but I just feel so alone. I wish I knew why. I feel bad because typing on this keyboard isn't all that quiet, and he's just feet away, probably already sleeping. He was awake for a little bit before going back to bed. I wish he'd stay awake, I don't know why, I guess because I feel like every time I see him I'm afraid it will be the last. I don't know why I think this way....


In other news, I went to Kevin's house with Jordan and Aaron to work on a Physics project (I'm not even in that class...) and his dad pretty much had the project already done for us. We just had to do what he said. It was pretty cool; I didn't understand when he drew out the plans for the catapult, but as we began building, I started to see it come to life.

Later, I went with my boyfriend and his two sisters to The Harlequin. We ate there for his late birthday (it was in January xP). I had chicken breast, I wish I had the crawfish etoufee instead...For dessert, I had fresh strawberries that I could dip in some cream that tasted REALLY good. For the first time, I tried /escargot/. For all you non-Frenchies, that's snail. Yup, SNAIL. It was kinda chewy to me, I don't think I'll eat it again. It's not bad tasting, just something I'd rather not eat. Go figure.

I wish I could be more like Mr. A to Z. His music is some of the most lyrical stuff I've seen. In this I mean, he's good with wordplay, which is why I guess I like him so much. You should listen sometime.

I don't have many worries despite certain circumstances. I find myself worrying more about whether or not my boyfried and I will be going to the same college, or same city for that matter, than I do about what's going to happen to us now that my parents are split up.

I wonder if that means anything....maybe it means I'm pathetic? I also worry about what might happen to Adam and me....This is only highschool. But....I don't know if I could trust someone as much as I trust him...you know?



I just gotta keep on the right track, I think. It's all I can do to keep from getting left behind...

I remember. After an exercise we did in Creative Writing, I realized that I remember more than I thought I did. In fact, remembering certain things, made me remember others, and others from others. It was like a snowball effect happening. I think that was the point of the exercise. To just keep writing, even if it's crap, junk, or just plain nonsense.

"Just be happy that you made it this far."
~Jason Mraz, "The Boy's Gone."


I wonder if I should go to prom.

I remember the good ole' days. I used to have a job, and money was never a problem. Now it just seems that there isn't enough. Not enough to pay the bills, not enough for all of my math club tournaments and and other school related things (actually, there probably is, but it's a lot at one time).

50$ deposit for state convention
15?$ for LSU tournament
~300$ for my class ring
30$ for a concert
...and this probably won't be the end of it.

I should probably stop whining and get a job. But if I get a job, I might not get the days of needed to go to all of these things....I suppose it'll have to wait 'till summer.

In other news.....I'm doing really good in Chemistry right now! I'm picking up what probably was a low C to a high B (87!). I'm really proud of myself, considering the amount of people that had a probably with this past lesson/test/quizzes. I find myself really understanding, and it's just really nice to see some 100s. ((:

Today, I went with my mom to her apartment. It's nice. They don't have anything in it yet because they don't have the money. In fact, it's my mom and her partner's apartment. He seems like a nice man. But, what bothers me is the fact that she lied. "Are you still with that same guy," I remember myself asking. She said no. I found his security card for work, and asked her who she was. "Oh...he's a friend, I don't know." I just don't know why she lied about those things.....I'm OKAY. I'm more worried about her, than myself. The apartment is fairly expensive. I'm not even sure if she can pay her half with her paycheck. If she's happy with him, then I guess it's okay. Who knows what will happen next. I sure don't.

He has a little boy, he's really precious. I didn't meet the little boy, I just saw a frame he'd decorated with Nascar stuff (a Dale Earnhart fan..). I'm not really a Nascar fan, but it was nicely arranged. It was a kitchen, two rooms, and two bathrooms I believe. The apartment complex has a really nice pool, a business area, and an athletic area.

I don't know how to send off this post, so I'll just provide this lovely quote by my girl Emily.

"Forever is composed of nows."
~Emily Dickinson

So, it's scheduling time again, and here is my current line-up for senior year.

Pharmacy Tech.
Chem. II AP (2 hours)
Calculus AP
French 6 Imm.
Eng. 4 AP (hopefully)
Health

I made the dumb choice of waiting to take Health, plus I didn't realize until this year that I didn't have to take ART since my French classes took care of that....so yeah. A boring class. Joy.
I say hopefully for the English 4 class because, more likely than not something is going to conflict with some other class. This past year, Eng 3 AP conflicted with my French class. I hope this year will work out better. I still can't believe I'm almost a senior....so much has happened my junior year...so, I really hope my senior year is a good one. I'm really excited about the Pharmacy Tech class because it'll give me a good job to have while I'm in college. A nice steady income without ever working at a fast food joint. My dream has come true. ((:

It wasn't until I saw that class on the schedule did I realize it would be something I might be interested in doing. Now I have an idea of which college I want to go to, and everything. I hope I like the class, and hope everything works out for the best.

By the way, I'm FINALLY taking Driver's Ed. ((:

After fighting with my old blog and the template changing of this new one, I finally got it to work, and got to put the template I wanted. ((:

In a creative writing class that I'm taking, we journal just about every day. Yesterday was a day I wrote something I particularly liked...

My fingers caressed the ivorykeys. From above, the crystal chandelier caught billions of streams of light. And as the light waves bent in the many prisms, spots of multi-colored light were cast on the bare walls. This room was my room, a lonely little piece hidden away in the expansed of this house. The chandelier was the only friend of my grand piano.

There were no chairs save for the piano seat. There were no paintings hung on the wall, no exquisite vases to give the room a flavor. Often times, I came in here not to be alone, but to be loved.

Pressing all the right keys meant that the piano would sing for me a glorious tune. Pulling back the curtains meant I fed the chandelier and in turn, the chandelier told me a story full of color, full of life. As a child, I had no patience for such things. I never thought being alone could be satisfying. I always tried to get the attention of those around me an sometimes it would work. When people wouldn't listen, I would go ouside to tell the flowers about the adventures of my day. But too soon would the flowers die, and I would soon accept the concept of being alone.

Labels: fiction junction