Isn't it such a backwards, messed up world when you have to fend for yourself, and you can't even count on your family to be there for you?
And isn't it backwards that the one person that needs help the most can't even go to the person who is there, if they ever need someone to talk to?
And isn't backwards that they don't even go to them, instead, do exactly what I'm doing right now?
Except /I/ called, after we talked a first time without mentioning it, to tell him what was bothering me, because of course, I can't hide it as well as he can. And remind him so many times that I'm here for a reason, for that reason.
But I guess that's not enough? Or not at all, because he has yet to go to me first. And it makes me feel bad when I'm a second resort, or not even one at all, and I don't find out about these things, until I read about them, and I wouldn't have read about them if I hadn't called him because he called me earlier when I was sleeping. Or I have his friend tell me about it, and it's like, "well okay, doesn't this look bad when his own girlfriend doesn't know about this?" I know about it, but never enough to know about him.
Maybe next time I won't call.
I feel pretty useless right about now.
What's the difference between getting work done and me?
SO. Reading about Sam and his little application adventure, I'm pretty sure that I'm waaay behind schedule (well, the applying part..). I have a few colleges in mind, so I need to work on getting the good stuff all together, and start thinking about the tough things for me such as, say, writing essays. I know what /not/ to write, so now I just need help with how to better my writing style (by a LOT), because the essay is one of the bigger ways the college guys get to know you. Boring essay = boring person...sounds about right. Another thing is....community service. I don't have much of this. I helped at one of the nursing homes in middle school for Beta, but I don't think that can count because that was so long ago. One thing I can say is math tutoring, where math club comes in. I'm President. (: Yay leadership position...I only fear that even though they want commitment, they also want people who will give back to the school...is my dedication to Math club significant enough? I hope so...I was a delegate at Nationals, sounds nice but I didn't do too much :P
So where does Rachel want to go? I was looking in a book with one of my friends, and it said to list your college choices as low-reach, middle-reach, and high-reach. What are colleges you're confident you can get in now? And of course high-reach is basically like dream college. So:
Low-reach: ULL and Centenary. I'm not sure about ULL, but I know Centenary has my intended major, Neuroscience.
Middle-reach: UT at Austin, Baylor. I love Austin, it's such a great city...there's a lot to do, I've been to the city a couple of times, spending a week both times. Baylor is a good medical college.
High-reach: Claremont McKenna, Oberlin, RICE. My absolute dream is to go to Rice University. The campus is beautiful. The math tournament is hard core. XD We had a speaker on the day of the tournament, which was impressive...I already forgot what it was about...Something to do with the math surrounding sound, which is an awful lot like touching base in Physics. Tough college to get in to. Oberlin is in Ohio, which is why I list as high-reach. Has a college for Science, and a music conservatory. I like smaller colleges. 10:1 student ratio. McKenna is in California, and after Jordan told me about it after visiting the campus, I was in awe. It's a private college, and if you make it through the application process and you get accepted, the college is more than willing to work with (and for) you, having 100% of financial needs met. Every night there is a speaker exclusive for McKenna students. While most students already have their own computer, they have laptops available for your time at the school, and you can ask for more memory if you need it. They are willing to fund your independent research...but I don't know if I want to go as far as California or Ohio. The distance scares me. I'm comfortable with Austin and Houston, and of course in state. But I will apply nonetheless. Most likely Early Decision for Rice, and Regular Decision for the others? I'm not sure what to do, but it's what I'm currently looking at.
So Neuroscience, if you know the roots, science dealing with the brain. This major leads the way for different branches such as Neuropharmocology, Behavioral, Cellular Neuroscience, Systems Neuroscience etc....
So one of my best friend's has left this morning to go to the Louisiana school. What an opportunity! I'm really jealous of him, but I know that I ultimately would not be able to leave my friends here. It is unfortunate that he had to leave, but I'm very proud of him.
In other news, I need to get my license. Apparently they're open from eight to four, and let's see... my mom gets off at 3:30, can't make it to the school until 3:45, or dangerously close to 4. Can't stay on campus for seventh hour, because one of the assistant principals explained/threatened that "Goodly will schedule something for those free hours." Ah. What a predicament. XD
Well, there's always my sister, who, is starting school on Monday. Ah. Wonderful. :P
Maybe on one of her shorter days she can take me...
I'm really excited about this year. I've got some really great classes, and so far the only problem is Physics. Not enough seats. And the ones that are there are so small, like college desks, and all right-handed, which is a problem for two of my friends in that class...Maybe they can fix that. Thirty people, that really is a lot. I'm the only girl in my Calculus class...use that to my advantage? Hahah, just kidding. (: But there is a high bar set for our class. Last year's class pulled out 8 5's on the AP test, out of 11 students. There's nine of us. I would LOVE a five. I would love a three. But a five would be amazing. I really hope I can do it. Maybe I'll get a book to practice as well, but I really need a better job.
Actually, it really isn't that bad....I'm not worried about all that I have left to do, so I don't really feel pressured.
Calculus = finished Chemistry = 1 is finished, 2-4 to be completed English = marked pages is finished, BNW essay in completion, Owen Meany to be completed.
Okay so what just happened was not cool. But whatever. So I wrote some emo stuff about not knowing where this year will take me. Oh well it's gone now and I don't feel like typing. xD
I think that maybe that is a good way to get feelings out? Just type, then erase. Then it's gone, and you'll feel like, "whatever it wasn't even that big, I don't even feel like retyping."
Unless it's just me and I'm being lazy, but whatever. ._.
So. If you could make up your own element on a pretend periodic table, what would it be? I have 67, but don't ask why. I need some more. So it'd be great if you could contribute maybe? Hahah, sorry, it's a little thing I'm doing, and it's going to be fun.
So school is in two days, and it really doesn't feel like it, and I have yet to enter panic mode, maybe I have senioritis already? I hope not.
I tried to be chill, but you're so hot that I melted. Ah la, peaceful melody.
So I won't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait. I'm sure. There's no need to complicate -our time is short, this is our fate. I'm yours.?
There is no time greater than right now where I am struggling to make a decision, and yeah, it kinda hurts. I'm not sure what I will do quite yet, but, all I can say is...no fair.
It's no fair.
Strange how such a happy song, and I'm so not happy?
I once met a woman who was skin and bones, Invited all the insects to come into her home, She trained them so well they could answer her phone, But the day finally came when the poor woman was overthrown.
Her husband returned home from voyages at sea, To find his lovely wife dead, and a spider sipping tea. He drew his knife and swore he would have the spider's eyes, An army of red ants nearly took him by surprise.
The sailor and his wife lay dead while neighbors peeked in, Outside the dogs were mesmerized by the humming from within, News spread throughout the town of the insects' arrival, People gathered in the church to pray to God and quote from the Bible.
Men came with gasoline and torches abright, A billion flies covered the skies 'til it was dark as night, The cries were barely heard beneath the buzzing of the bees, Now the insects rule so get down on your knees.
And the town crier said: You God-fearing people had better beware, Gather up your idols and begin to prepare, The time has come, the locusts have taken the air, negotiations are in effect the bugs don't even care.
a song by Brendan Benson, pretty interesting right? SO yeah, it's pretty late, somewhat tired, didn't even do the dishes I set out to do, and will probably have a not-happy dad in the morning, good right? Oh well. ):
I can do them tomorrow when I still don't feel like it but will have to because I said I would, yay procrastination. roar :X
went to Aaron's house to eat some food, watched Lady Vengeance, and then played Pokemon Stadium, which TOTALLY rocks. I always loved playing the minigames, they are the best....
So, there's a week before school...excited? Scared, hahah, this is going to be one tough year. Good luck self and others. (:
Assignments that should be completed by Friday, not on, or hours before Friday: ~English, read two books, mark first two pages, write an essay for each. ~Chemistry, read chapters one through four, make a study guide, get A on test. ~Calculus, sixty problems.
....good luck self. xP
In other news, a close friend of mine is leaving very soon, a Mr. Jordan. I've known him since late freshmen year, and there is no doubt that I will miss him. He made my more comfortable with myself, and I learned to appreciate a different kind of humor, hahah. It's not like he'll be gone forever, but he won't be at school, which is where I would be seeing him the most. He's doing something I wish I had the balls to do, but I don't have balls and he does, so there you go?
Tomorrow is work weird hours and then go eat food at someone's house day, so sorry you can't make it.
What's going on in your head, what's wrong? Come around to another time when you don't have to run. And when she says she wants somebody else, I hope you know she doesn't mean you. And when she breaks down and makes a sound you'll never hear her the way that I do. And when she says that she wants someone to love I hope you know that she doesn't mean you.. And when she breaks down and lets you down I hope you know she doesn't need you.
I won't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait. I'm sure, there's no need to complicate our time- is short This is our fate, I'm yours.
Chalk it up to being young, prove it was me. A morning drive. A blurred headlight from the corner of my eye. If only you were here right now, you'd tell me, Wouldn't it be something if everything changed? Wouldn't it be something in your way? Wouldn't it be more than living in your wake, If you and I would ever cease to be?
I'll wait back here. Or should I start pushing my way back here? Should I start pushing my way back?
Have you ever experienced something, that made it seem like you could feel all your blood pumping at once? Like a rush, to the fingers, the feet, the brain?
Soooo....I don't have Vanmetre for physics. But that's the worst of my problems (except for the fact that I have a locker in say, oh, upstairs P where, hmm, I have NO CLASSES.)
As for other people, they had conflicts that they DIDN'T know about and classes they were scheduled for COMPLETELY not on the map. What the heck? This poses a problem for a couple of my friends, and hopefully everything will work out fine (which, knowing certain counselors of certain schools, this will be met by a mere minimum). But enough crap stories, I have work I need to do.
(i wrote this on facebook, in the about me section, and i figured it might be more easily read right here, i do hope you enjoy, and if not, oh well, it was too many letters to let go unread.)
oh, so now you want to know about me?
well.
i get bored easily, i enjoy singing and reading and math, and writing and drawing and math, and hanging out with friends and the mall and math, and oh yeah, i enjoy math for some reason, but oddly enough do not wish to pursue a career in math. something more like neuroscience, a major i stumbled upon in my search of wanting to do something more than fill prescription bottles and get paid a lot to help old people form an unhealthy addiction to pain killers.
i think about a lot of things, all at once or sometimes nothing at all, and i think about weird things not just what college to go to or school or grades, but sometimes like when i wash the dishes, i'll think about each piece of silverware and how each one can effectively injure someone, like i was today when i was washing this small curved knife that is probably a peeler, like slowly scraping off someones skin, or maybe using a spoon to scoop out someones eyes, or maybe use a fork, not necessarily the eating kind to stab someone multiple times in the head, hang them upside down from a tree branch and then shower in the blood that is spilling. sounds morbid or strange or not me? but i think about these things, i think and never act, because that is me. to think but not to act.
when i used to go to skate city, i would never fall, i would skate fast enough to enjoy myself, but slow enough to control, and when someone would pass by me very closely, and very quickly, i would feel a heated rush go through me. i can make myself cry whenever i want to. i can also give myself the chills. i like sneezing. especially when i know i have to and i make myself not sneeze. i love to laugh, and when something is funny, i probably laugh too loud for too long.
thinking about getting a scraped knee or some kind of injury gives me the chills. when i get shots and i try not to think about it, i do times tables in my head, the standard one through twelve kind of thing. i also cry. a lot. even before i get my shot, just waiting is unbearable enough.
i have a fear of needles. i am no longer afraid of going upside on roller coasters because i went on one called montu at busch gardens and it was probably the best ride i've ever been on in my whole life, it was so much fun. i will never miss out on the fun again.
speaking of busch gardens, i spent a week in florida doing math and i had the time of my life. i became closer friends with people i didnt know too well, and it was fun. next year is in sacramento, and i will be doing my best as math club president to recruit as many people to go as i can. i assure anyone who is in math club, that it really is a good time, no matter who may or may not be there.
the things that are going on in my mind, it's really crazy in there, like there are millions of things going on at once that I don't know what to really do about all of it and yet, I wish I were more organized (people that have seen my room, um, yeah.)
It's August, and several college help tips say that I should have started say, four years ago working on this. But, and unfortunately as I say this, nothing worth college essay material has occured until recently. I wish I were true scholarship material...there are these amazing competitions like Intel, and Siemens, and Davison Fellows....those are amazing kids that win these things, so one thing I wish I could change is that I wish I had been more involved. Why am I worrying about this? I suppose all of this seems overwhelming, and reading about Sam, he is taking a lot of great steps towards making college work for him, and now he has very interesting things to talk about when it comes to interview time, and I virtually have nothing. It's not just being involved, but involved and dedicated, because I could be a part of a lot of things, but if I don't take initiative, then I've accomplished nothing but a waste of time.
Anyways, enough complaining, I unfortunately have assignments looming over my head as we speak, I am a terrible procrastinator, and this will most likely be my downfall when it comes to physics and Chemistry, which, by the way, for anyone interested, my schedule. (:
1 - Health/Guidance (I know, but as I said, procrastination.) 2 - Chem II AP 3 - Chem II AP Lab (think we'll have one on the first day?) 4 - Physics (Moras says there is more than one teacher, if it is not Vanmetre, I will do /anything/ to get him) 5 - Calculus AP 6 - English 4 AP 7 - OFF
My not full schedule due to the strategic scheduling abilities of Barbe staff. Thank you Freshmen Academy. What is Freshmen Academy, you ask? Only the worst thing that has happened to Barbe high school. I remember being in the eighth grade. I remember a time where passing the LEAP test was actually required to pass the eighth grade. And now all I see are students who are not quite ready for highschool being allowed to do so, have their own part of the school, their own lunch period, and royally mess up the master schedule of Barbe.
This has inconvenienced MANNNNNNY seniors. And juniors. Myself, at least three of my friends, all revolving around third and fifth hour where they have the genius to schedule several classes at once, sorry that I wish to take AP courses, and that 90% of these classes I don't even need, of this I have been actually told by my counselor. Chem II Lab and Pharmacy Tech and French 6 and Psychology and Sociology, Honors Band, Football PE, at the very least, are all sheduled for ONLY third hour. This inconveniences a band friend of mine in French Immersion, myself, a football player in my French class, a friend of mine wishing to major in Chemistry in my French class, and sadly his mother won't let him take that class over in French, and boy do I complain. (:
